Greetings from Istanbul! Some of you may be wondering why you haven’t heard from me in a while. The quick summary is that my father died in January, I became depressed, and decided to shake myself out of it by moving to Turkey. So I have been busy getting settled, trying to learn Turkish, and developing business here.
YES, I AM STILL COACHING CLIENTS IN THE U.S. I do most of my work by phone, and my phone numbers haven’t changed. Don’t hesitate to call. (Turkey is seven hours ahead of Eastern time, ten hours ahead of Pacific time. Call anytime, though. I work odd hours and turn off my phone at night.) Staying in touch and doing business from abroad is unbelievably easy nowadays. In contrast, I lived in Japan for three years right after college, and during the first year I was still sending handwritten letters (not email)!
You may be asking, “Why Turkey?” The simplest answer is whim. It just felt like the right thing to do. Of course, I could come up with a bunch of reasons not to—blah blah blah, practical stuff, blah blah blah, my business, blah blah blah, I don’t speak Turkish… You can always come up with reasons NOT to do something. I knew that I wanted to live abroad again at some point since living in Japan and Thailand had both been wonderful experiences. When I came to Turkey on vacation in April, I just kept thinking,“I could totally live here. Why shouldn’t I just move?” So, I decided to take the leap. Istanbul happens to meet all my major criteria. First of all, it is a fascinating place culturally. The religious/secular dynamic is so wacky that in some places they actually require that you drink alcohol at work functions (presumably to prove that you are not a radical Muslim). Also, Turkey fits what I am looking for socially: (1) Istanbul has a really good social dance scene—specifically Tango, believe it or not; (2) people are very friendly and like foreigners; (3) dating is NOT a problem for foreign women—unlike in Japan; and (4) I have a close friend living here already.
I love living abroad because it is just so interesting. You find yourself in strange situations that you would never experience at home. I’ve found myself going down a dark alley in China in the pouring rain with complete strangers to attend a goat roast. I’ve been at the front of an elementary school assembly in Japan singing (to the tune of Michael Row Your Boat Ashore) “Anna-sensei has come to teach us English. Hallelujah. Isn’t it great? We’re going to learn about America. Hallelujah.” These things just wouldn’t happen living in DC. I’ll keep you posted on my adventures!
I will be in the D.C. area for a couple weeks in August. If you have been considering coaching, give me a call, and we can set up a time to chat in person!
Anna
The ABA (American Bar Association) Journal picked up the story about me from the Washington Post. This is my response to some of the reader comments.
One of the reasons I am passionate about coaching attorneys is that it seems a shame to have so many well-educated, brilliant, hard-working people putting all their energy into jobs that don’t inspire them. Recently, a client said to me “I know you think happiness is important, but I just don’t have time for that right now.” At times, I have felt that way too. It’s natural. Sometimes in life we are just trying to cope. Especially in the legal profession, I think people are so accustomed to putting aside their own needs, wants, and interests that they lose track of what is really important to them. I’m not suggesting that we all lie around on the beach all day – that might be nice for a week or two or three – but it would get old pretty quickly. I am talking about allowing ourselves to go out and pursue that thing that we are passionate about. One person wants to fix the tax code; another wants to help poor women get micro loans; another wants to make the world prettier. If more people (especially powerful, smart, influential people) were taking on challenges that inspired them, the world would be a much happier, healthier place.
Almost every attorney I have ever spoken to in depth about their career has some insecurity about where they went to law school, their grades, their intelligence relative to colleagues, that job they got fired from twenty years ago, etc. These are very successful people I’m taking about, including judges, managing partners of big law firms, political appointees, etc. No one’s life is as bright and shiny and perfect as it looks from the outside. Everyone occasionally makes mistakes or finds themselves in lousy situations. Our quality of life is not determined by the things that happen to us; is determined by how we react and how we interpret those situations.
Particularly, in a more challenging job market, conventional approaches and interpretations may not serve you. This is where coaching comes in. I don’t tell my clients what to do. I help them get clarity about what they want and then I help them achieve that goal. There will always be reasons not to take a risk. It’s a lot more rewarding, not to mention more fun, to put your energy into achieving your goals, rather than focusing on all the reasons that you can’t.
One of my current clients is so inspiring that it almost makes me want to practice law, too. He was only recently admitted to the bar and already has become like an attorney super hero. I have an image of him in my mind wearing a cape and swooping down to help people. When he is at the courthouse he inevitably comes across people who are in trouble, wounded veterans who are being evicted from their houses, mothers trying to get custody from an abusive spouse, people who have been victimized by illegal lending practices, etc. He really has taken a “helping the helpless” approach to his law practice – and it’s working. He is making money, learning a lot, and developing a terrific reputation for himself in his community – not to mention feeling great about helping people. Everyone has their own path. There are many ways to achieve any goal, and we always have a choice.
I haven’t written anything for a while because my father passed away. As a society, we don’t talk about death very much and I didn’t have a clue how to deal with it. I even googled “grieving for a parent” at one point. Now, I have some observations about death and grieving that I thought some might find useful either personally or when supporting others going through the process.
Periodically we see in the news a situation where someone is in a coma and relatives are fighting over whether or not to remove life support. When these things are portrayed in the media it seems clear that the person is never going to wake up again; but it’s a lot less clear in real life. Any time the subject came up, my father would make it very clear that he did not want to be hooked up to machines, did not want to be a vegetable, did not want someone else “wiping his tushy,” etc. But somehow, I never really thought it would be an issue. My father had several heart attacks over the years, and I had just assumed that with each heart attack he would either live or he wouldn’t. It never occurred to me that one of the heart attacks would leave him mostly dead and that I would be responsible for deciding whether or not to “remove care.”
When I arrived at the hospital in Florida and he was hooked up to a ventilator an IV and was being given large doses of drugs to keep his blood pressure up. Doctors told me that “it is very serious,” that it “doesn’t look good”, that “if he survives he will be in recovery for a very long time.” It was not immediately obvious to me that he was being kept alive by machines. Why do they do they hook people up to those machines in the first place? Presumably some of those people get better – otherwise there wouldn’t really be a point. The bottom line is that this is far more of a gray area than I ever realized. After talking to my brother and working myself up to tell the doctors I discovered that I had to get specific – Should they remove the breathing tube? Should they remove the blood pressure drugs?
All things considered, this was the easiest it could have been. I had the appropriate legal documents giving me and my brother medical power of attorney. My Dad had always been clear about not wanting extreme measures. In retrospect, it is also clear that he was pretty much dead before he arrived at the hospital and that there was never really a chance of waking up. Yet, it was difficult even under these circumstances. For what its worth, I have a couple observations (1) It’s nice to give the responsibility to more than one person so no one has to make the decision by themselves. (2) If you tell people you don’t want to be hooked up to machines be as clear as possible about it. How long do you want people to wait before assuming that you will never wake up? If you are hooked up to intravenous medication does that count as being hooked up to a machine? Exploring this subject with family members may be uncomfortable but it may make your life or the lives of your loved ones easier down the line.
I wrote this up for a workshop I led on Transforming Negative Career Experiences, and I thought others might be interested as well.
1) Say something positive about the boss, job, company, etc.
• I have a lot of respect for my former boss. She is very hard working, and incredibly knowledgeable. But we just weren’t a good fit and I realized that I could be a greater contribution somewhere else.
• My boss is a very kind and lovely person, but we had different approaches to _______.
2) Answer the question honestly, but don’t go into detail unless asked for more.
• It wasn’t a good fit.
• After ____ years things the job requirements changed and it stopped being a good fit for my skills and abilities.
• I was very successful in the job for ____ years and received ____ awards (very high evaluations, etc.) But then the office was restructured and I realized it was time to move on.
• It wasn’t a great situation.
• I have always loved learning new things, and over time my interests evolved. Now I have identified the thing that I am truly passionate about, namely _______.
3) If you need to provide more detail, tell them something you have learned or some way you have grown from the situation.
• I’m actually very lucky that I was laid off, because even though it was challenging at first, the experience taught me _____.
• I realize now that I could have communicated better with my boss. I had a sense that maybe something was bothering him, but I assumed that if there was an issue he would tell me. Now I realize that it is up to me to ask people directly for feedback and check in periodically to make sure that they continue to be happy with my work.
4) Address the elephant in the room head-on.
• I know the conventional wisdom is to stay in a job for at least a year, but once I realized that it was a mistake to have taken the job in the first place I thought it would be better to correct the error quickly and move on. I know that training a new person talks a lot of time and resources and didn’t think it would be fair to waste everyone’s time.
• There was a miscommunication in the hiring process – and I ended up in a different job than the one I thought I was being hired to do.
Why don’t most people’s New Year’s resolutions lead to lasting change? The underlying message in most of our New Year’s resolutions is that there is something wrong and we better fix it or else…. We are bombarded with the message that we should be better – not just that we could be happier or more effective if we chose to make a change – but that we must be better or else we are inferior, inadequate, and bad. How much time and energy do you spend fighting yourself and/or the universe? I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I should have gotten that contract. My spouse should do what I ask of him. Most of us are so steeped in our own rigid perceptions of what is acceptable that we refuse to see the world as it really is. And then we wonder why it is so hard to make a change.
Can you imagine how much easier and more pleasant life would be if you could accept that you are completely fine exactly the way you are? Nothing needs to be altered. Nothing needs to be fixed. Really. This is hard for most of us to believe since we are usually so focused on trying to improve in some way. What most of us “need” more than anything is to practice acceptance of our own humanity, to recognize that nothing we do is ever going to reach our definition of perfection, and acknowledge that the universe is a wacky, unpredictable place. Yes, this definitely takes it practice.
You may be thinking, “but I want to make more money” or “but I want to lose five pounds” or “but my sister really is an intolerable witch.” Sometimes we think we have to reject our current situation or else we will be sentencing ourselves to a life of resignation and misery. Consider that the opposite may be true. It is only by accepting a situation as it is that we have any real possibility of changing it. We don’t have to reject the past (or the present) to embrace the future. It is possible to be okay with the current situation AND look for ways to move forward.
Consider the classic New Year’s resolution, how can you both accept yourself the way you are now AND proactively try to get into better shape? Look for aspects of your body that you can appreciate. Do you have nice hair, or attractive feet, or strong arms that allow you to pick up your child? Focusing on the positive helps us to feel accepting about where we are, and when we are feeling okay about ourselves it is much easier to make a change.
Or look at a scenario where you want more clients. Say you made 50% of your sales goal for last year. On one hand you could see that as a failure, and on the other hand you could interpret it to mean that a lot of your actions and policies ARE working AND there is room for expansion and improvement. When our energy is focused on the negative it is impossible for us to get a clear and realistic view of the situation. Without a clear understanding of both what is working and what is not working, any changes could actually be counterproductive.
Like so many things in life, this is simple but not easy. That is why people hire coaches to support them through the process of transformation.
“How do the world’s greatest managers find, focus and keep talented employees?” The Gallup Organization interviewed managers and leaders in large and small organizations to discover what the top ten percent had in common. They learned that the best supervisors tend to take an unconventional approach to overseeing staff. For example, these managers do not advocate treating everyone identically. They pay attention to the differences in style, temperament and motivation of each person and adjust their techniques accordingly. They also spend the majority of their time and energy on the most productive rather than the least effective employees. When great managers identify weaknesses in their star staff members, they find creative ways to work around those flaws rather than waste time and energy trying to fix intractable character traits. Regardless of how much experience or success you have supervising others, this book will provide new perspectives and insight. Plus, it’s a fun read.
You may have heard of the “give me a rock” form of management. The boss says, “Give me a rock.” The employee finds a rock and presents it to the boss. The boss responds, “No, this isn’t what I wanted. Get me a bigger rock.” And it continues. “No, a rounder rock.” “No, a light colored rock.” Obviously, this is less efficient than, “Get me a round, light grey rock about the size of a bowling ball.” The point here is that we are often busy, tired and not focused adequately on the task that we are delegating. Then we become annoyed when someone fails to perform a task in line with our expectations. No one said humans are logical. So, here are ten simple steps for efficient and effective delegation.
- Figure out what you want. What do you see as the essential elements that must be included or accomplished for you to be satisfied with the outcome?
- Get the person’s attention. This may seem silly, but think about how frequently someone is in the middle of one thing and is directed to execute a different task. Unless you happen to know that the person has an unusually great memory, make sure that she has a pen and paper.
- Get the person to repeat back to you the task. This may seem awkward or condescending, but it doesn’t have to be. If you make it clear that you are working on your own managerial skills, the person will usually understand that you are trying to improve efficiency, not criticizing her in any way.
- Ask if there are any questions.
- Give a deadline. Make sure this is clear. A specific day and time is best. Asking for a report to be completed “at the beginning of next week” or “ at the end of the month” is asking for trouble. Managers often make a deadline earlier than necessary to ensure that even if the deliverable is completed after the deadline, it will still be on time from the perspective of the customer, supervisor, etc. So, if you are giving a hard deadline, make sure the person to whom you are delegating is aware of the relevant circumstances.
- Find out if the person anticipates any obstacles. Does he need any additional tools or resources? Is he already committed to another project that could get in the way?
- Get a commitment. Does he think he will be able to accomplish the task in that period of time? Be sure to explain that it is important to complete the task in a timely manner and ask for a commitment to do so. If he won’t make a clear commitment, either assign the task elsewhere or explain in clear and uncertain terms that this is part of his job and he is expected to do it.
- Be available to answer questions. This does not mean letting your schedule be disrupted by your direct reports. It does mean, at minimum, designating times when you will be available to answer questions.
- Create a system for reporting on progress. If the task is long-term, complex or if you have any reason to anticipate problems, make sure the person is reporting on progress daily or weekly, as appropriate. This needn’t occupy a lot of your time. For example, the person could send you an email daily, or fill in a chart to report on progress. The email could be a single line: Reviewed 1000 documents; made 100 cold calls; researched for three hours, etc.
- Acknowledge when the person reports on progress. Human beings respond to positive feedback. If we think someone isn’t paying attention, most of us stop reporting. If everything is fine, a simple “thank you” or “good job” will suffice. Also, if progress on the project inadequate it is important to tell the person immediately. It will only feel like a bigger and bigger problem if you wait.
Do you want your staff to work harder? To be more creative? To like you more? Try this super simple and immensely effective management tool. Each day, for the next two weeks, look for two actions or qualities to acknowledge and appreciate about your staff. Is the receptionist extremely polite and helpful to clients? Did John write a particularly good brief last week? Tell them so. This will create a palpable difference in the work environment, and ultimately, in staff performance. The importance of positive feedback is even reinforced by recent neurological research. Studies have shown that for people to learn and grow, the optimal amount of positive versus negative feedback is five to one. Imagine how pleasant and productive work would be if people actually followed that ratio!
Is there someone in your life who is driving you nuts? A colleague, spouse, friend, boss, staff member, child? I’m going to share my simple strategy for dealing with any difficult conversation in a way that actually improves the existing relationship. Coaching is about clarity and authenticity, which is the focus here, rather than strategy. You can use the following questions to prepare for virtually any difficult conversation (except maybe asking someone out—you are on your own for that one). I strongly recommend writing out your answers and/or discussing them with a friend or coach. The most challenging aspect of difficult conversations is the preparation. Once that is complete, it is relatively easy to tailor the structure of the conversation to your specific circumstances.
If you were being 100% straightforward and not worried about the other person being upset, liking you or firing you, what would you say? Feel free to use profanity. Be as rude as you like when sorting this out. Often, we spend so much energy trying to repress what we really think and feel that we never fully identify it. I’m not suggesting that you actually say this to the person, but there is value in getting to the core of what you want to say.
Once you know what you want to say, how can you say it in a way that is direct but not abrasive or offensive? This is not nearly as difficult as people usually think. One very effective method is to tell the person your experience rather than your judgments. “I have noticed that I feel resentful when you come to work late” goes over a lot better than, “Arriving late for work is irresponsible and unprofessional.” If you say the later, the other person will likely become defensive, whereas it’s a lot harder to argue with “I feel…” though admittedly, some may try. Personally, I often say something like, “It may not be reasonable for me to feel this way, but…” People have told me that they are concerned that it is unprofessional to express feelings at work, or that their office environment is manipulative and cutthroat and they don’t want to show weakness. At this point, I could go in about ten different directions as a coach, but for the moment I will just say this: It takes courage to try something new, but this approach really does work. And frankly, the harder this is, the more likely it is that the conversation will create a huge shift in your work environment. Try it, and call me if it creates a mess. I’ll help you clean it up.
What do you want from the other person? Do you want a raise? Do you want him to leave you alone? Do you want him to admit that you are right? Do you want a change in behavior? If you were to form this as a request what would it be? Requests are most likely to lead to positive change if they include specific actions. “I want you to improve your writing” may be clear to you, but the odds are it won’t be clear to the other person. “Improve” is open to interpretation, whereas “I want you to have a colleague edit your work before you give it to me” is more objective and therefore more likely to yield positive results.
For more tips on preparing for a difficult conversation, check out this free download.
How much is your time worth? If your hourly rate is $400, $200, $95 or even $35, why are you spending time on activities that are worth $10 per hour, such as managing your contacts, book keeping, cleaning your house, etc. I know, I know, I do it too. It feels like a hassle to find someone to do the work, or no one does it well enough, or it’s something you procrastinate about, and then you are in crisis mode so it seems easier to just do it yourself. Or maybe you feel that a “good mother” or a “responsible business owner” would do this task herself. If this represents you, take a minute, go find a mirror and try to tell yourself with a straight face that this is a good use of your time. If you are someone who finds cleaning or book keeping therapeutic and grounding, this is not directed at you. Please continue as you were. If you do not actually enjoy such activities please take five minutes right now to come up with alternatives. Ask friends about resources, do a Google search or brainstorm. Let me know how it goes.
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